I have a confession… I don't really like Christmas. *gasp* Hear me out. It's not the holiday itself but this time of year is full of very strong memories and emotions for me. I try to do things to make others happy to mask my own sadness.
I started to look forward to Christmas this year, figuring on a fresh start as I make it fun for Rissa. Unfortunately, it's just that time of year where I'm delivered with sad news. I do love giving gifts, so I'm thrilled to share gift ideas with you and offer giveaways. I'm excited to exchange gifts with family but it's also a time I just want to eat chocolate and cry.
Very conflicting emotions, indeed.
Growing up, this time of year was difficult because we didn't have a lot of money. We were usually living paycheck to paycheck making ends meet. My parents always did the best they could to provide me with gifts (sometimes from a giving tree) and I'm thankful of that. But, I always felt the strain… The stress of overdue bills, layoffs from work, and everything that goes along with being low income (or at the highest, low middle class).
When I was 5 years old, both of my grandfathers passed away within 11 days of each other between the Thanksgiving and Christmas stretch. One was killed in a car accident, the other passed from cancer. We were there visiting when he passed in the night in his sleep. Even 25 years later, I feel a lack of closure.
Last year around this time I was alerted that one of my grandma's wasn't doing well and didn't have much longer… In January she went on to a better place.
This year… I hoped for something better, but instead I find out my dad has been diagnosed with cancer. I've been dealing with a lot of emotions the past couple weeks as I'm sure you can imagine.
I share this because blogging is therapeutic. Though I have shifted to a lot of reviews and giveaways, this is still our nursery. And the tales within are of our family – both good and bad. I haven't slowed down the posting too much lately because I have to keep working. Keeping busy is helping me to cope with these huge emotions, worries and fears. I'm trying to stay positive.
So hug your loved ones extra tight this week. I know I will.
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