Last night I did a rare thing for me since having my daughter – I slept the whole night through. With the blog, I often have to stay up late to write well after Rissa has gone to sleep so that I can spend time with her during the day. In some cases lately, I don’t want to go to sleep even though I’m tired.
During my first pregnancy I had a LOT of crazy pregnancy dreams. Most were centered around fear of someone or something hurting my baby, others were fueled by heightened hormones and were rather risqué. The fear dreams had a common theme of me being chased by people trying to hurt my belly.
I haven’t had many of those types of dreams this time around. Everything has been calmer in a way. I suppose because I have been through it before? But last night I had a dream that hurt my heart. It was sad and today I really feel for those who’ve experienced real loss. Mine was left behind upon waking. It wasn’t real, but for a brief period of time it felt real.
In my dream I went into labor and gave birth to a little girl… or so the nurse said as she left with her. I never saw her, never heard her. I laid in my bed waiting, wondering how my contractions had stopped already and why no one came to help me clean up.
I didn’t think I was done. I finally called someone to ask when I’d go back into labor. They avoided my question and instructed me to wait. I didn’t feel like I’d had a baby and was convinced there was still one in my womb.
I was discharged from the hospital without a word about what occurred. (You know how dreams jump around and things can be confusing…) Eventually I found out my baby was stillborn. I didn’t believe them. I couldn’t believe them or I’d lose it. They wouldn’t let me see her, which hurt the worst. I cursed out the hospital for not letting me hold her…see her…name her…
I woke up crying and full of sadness. Knowing it was only a dream made me feel guilty…like I shouldn’t feel relieved that it hadn’t actually happened to me because infant loss is very real for others.
I lost memory of many elements of my dream by the time I started writing this, but felt the need to share. I think the fear of loss is in the mind of lots of expectant mamas, we just don’t give a voice to it. And those who have suffered loss often keep quiet as well.
Have you noticed how vivid and emotional pregnancy dreams can be?