Some days I think I’m an awesome mom. I take care of my little girl – she’s clothed, fed, clean (usually), and has frequent diaper changes. I breastfeed. I cloth diaper.
While I may do those things, it doesn’t mean I’m perfect. I’m not even close to perfect.
My house.. is a mess. My husband still makes a lot of our dinners and still does extra chores that he picked up shortly before I gave birth. I love him for it, but y’know, it makes me question myself.
My daughter is rather needy. This is true, so I spend a lot of time and energy trying to keep her happy or calming her down because she’s unhappy. She’s just about 8 months old and is still pretty clingy. Sure, I love the cuddles and all but she has a knack for being the most clingy when I absolutely cannot be holding her.
Like when I’m trying to make our lunch.
I hate to admit it, but some days I think I’m going to lose my cool.
Correction, I do lose my cool – just in a modified fashion.
I will not harm her. I couldn’t do that, even if my primal reaction is that of aggression. But, I have thrown inanimate objects across the room and have yelled out in anger and frustration.
This isn’t my first reaction when she’s crying, whining, and/or tugging on me. But, when she’s having a day (like this morning) where it is non-stop… well, my patience begins to wear thin. My soothing voice and words get an edge to them. It boils up.
I try to tend to it before boiling over, but when.it.just.won’t.stop. I feel like I’m losing my damn mind.
She’s not at an age where I can really reason with her. I try to explain that I cannot hold her while making lunch, but she doesn’t really understand the concept. She just wants to be held. (Most days she’s content to play in her chair or on the kitchen floor as I prepare lunch but some days… well, she cries until she’s hyperventilating.)
Do I think I’m a bad mom? No.
Well, sometimes I think I am, but I know deep down I’m not. I’m just not winning any awards.