A year ago today, my life changed forever.  Our life changed forever.

My husband and I tried to conceive for three years.  The details of that journey may appear in another post sometime.  Suffice it to say, it was an emotional three years, especially for me.

My cycle had been irregular for several years, contributing to our conception difficulties.  At the end of 2009, I really started to think I couldn’t get pregnant without some sort of medical intervention.  In fact, I was shopping around for a new OBGYN.

I received a recommendation for a high risk doctor.  The woman who referred me liked this doctor and this woman was struggling with her own conception difficulties… something we discussed with each other… a point of connection we each could relate to…

That doctor’s office number sat in my purse for at least a month.  I kept meaning to call, but I constantly put it off.  Was it fear? Embarrassment? Laziness? I don’t know, to be honest.
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In one word: humiliating!

Last week I went on my first “mommy date” at a local coffee shop.  There really isn’t anywhere decent to meet up with kids around here.  (I’ve come up with a business idea, but it likely will never see the light of day.)

Seeing as how we haven’t ventured out in public just to hang out somewhere, I had no idea what to expect from sweet babygirl…

Upon arrival, I realized we were a little early.  I brought the stroller along, which opened and closed one-handed as advertised.  Rissa slept on the way since it was during naptime.  She stared, wide eyed, as we went across the street and into the coffee shop.  A woman was coming up to the door from the opposite direction.  I paused to let her go in first.  Instead, she just stood there.

Thanks, I’ll get the door and stroller by myself. (I am capable, yes, but I find it rude when people stand and watch like that.)
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Rissa nearly gave me a heart attack the other day.

I had left her on the floor of the nursery while I quickly grabbed laundry from the dryer.  This had been working out fine for awhile because the area is safe and she has some toys to occupy her.  Is the whole room baby safe yet? Well, no, but she’s not mobile enough (yet) to get into anything dangerous.

She reminded me that day is coming… soon.

As I approached the doorway of the nursery, my heart flip flopped in my chest.

She wasn’t laying where I’d left her.
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Some of you may be aware (if you follow me on Twitter or Facebook) that my paternal grandmother passed away yesterday in the wee hours of the morning.

I knew her life was coming to an end.  She had a stroke when I was about 15 or 1 6 years old and has been in a nursing home since… that was about 15 years ago.  Shortly before Christmas, my dad informed me that she wasn’t doing very well and Hospice was recommended.

After my daughter was born, I was excited for her first Christmas this year.  It would renew the holidays for me.  For so many years, that time of year was rough… finances were often a challenge.  But, when I was about 5 years old, I lost both of my grandfathers within about 11 days of each other between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

My paternal grandfather passed away while we were visiting for Christmas.  I still remember that morning.

I tried not to dwell on that too much and focus on enjoying the holidays in a new way for my daughter – it’d be about her now.

Although I’m sad my gramma has passed, I’m glad it was after the new year… even if it was only 7 days before my birthday.

I wish she could have met Aerissa.  We sent her a birth announcement and I hope she enjoyed it.

See, this is the time where guilt sets in about not visiting, calling, writing enough.  She was about 2-2.5 hours away, so it’s not like she was just down the block, but still…

Weather permitting, we will be traveling to the funeral, which normally would be a 3ish hour drive from where we live.  With a baby, that trip will take longer, I’m sure.

But it’s important for me to be there.  For my gramma.  For my dad.

And for me.

I didn’t get to go to grampa’s funeral.  I was young, yes, but old enough to remember him and miss him.  It sounds like I’ll also get a chance to see some of my sisters that live out of state – I haven’t seen them in years.  The same goes for other extended family members.  It’s a shame to get together under such circumstances, but it will be nice to see everyone.

I know this wasn’t the most cheerful post, but it helped me to write it out.

If you are interested in seeing a picture of her when she was a young woman, you can see it here, at the genealogy blog.

Although, this is one of my favorite photos of my gramma and grampa when they were young:

In loving memory

Rissy is 6 weeks old now (as of Sunday) and right on cue… she’s smiling!  Well, REAL smiles.  Social smiles.  The ones that melt your heart and make her smile even bigger in return when you get happy and excited.  The sleepy dreamy and gassy smiles were cute, but nothing like the real thing.

We’ve had our ups and downs over the past 6 weeks as we get to know each other and explore this new way of life… but her smile definitely makes it all worth it.  Don’t you think?

For now, I am the center of your world

I provide you with food, comfort, security and warmth

You don’t quite understand why, but you know I’m important

You love to gaze at my face, listen to my voice, and will seek me out when I’m not around

It warms my heart to be the center of your world

Although I know this will not always hold true

But just know that now and forever, you will always be the center of mine.

At this point, time feels fast yet slow all at the same time.  I can hardly believe our little one will be here in less than a month.  The weeks seem to go by quickly.  Yet… it doesn’t seem fast enough.  Work days drag on.  Having medical monitoring appointments twice a week (due to the diabetes) does help the weeks go by a bit faster.

I just can’t wait until she is here.  I want to snuggle her!

It’s really like my husband said the other day:

Waiting for her to be born is like waiting for Christmas morning.

The anticipation and excitement continue to grow!

Looking around the nursery, it really looks like a little girl lives here.  Brian put together the swing, stroller, and pack ‘n play.  This weekend I washed all of her sheets, blankets, bibs, towels, washcloths, hats, mittens, socks and 0-3 clothes.  At first, I was only going to wash a few things.  I had this moment of panic what if she isn’t a she but a he? And then it passed.  We’ve gotten more ultrasounds than most people.  I don’t think they were wrong.  Yet, there’s still that tiny bit of fear… not that I wouldn’t be happy with a little boy – just he wouldn’t be happy with all the pink and purple stuff.
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Tomorrow I get to see my OB again.  She wanted me to come in again this week instead of next week due to the high blood pressure last Thursday.  I haven’t heard anything yet about the blood tests, so I’m hoping no news is good news.  I don’t really want bad news sprung on me tomorrow, especially since I’m going to see her mid-morning… which means I’m working before and after the appointment.

I was talking with Brian today about how the prospect of bed rest is a double edged sword for me.  Overall the idea sounds lovely… I’m tired and such.  But how boooring would that be? Especially now with 11 weeks to go?  Or maybe 10 weeks.  She might come at week 39 (or be forced to).  We know it won’t be any later than the due date though…

But I’m also concerned about how being put on bed rest affects Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA).  I mean, the wording says the 12 unpaid weeks are to be used after the birth or adoption of a child.  But I’ve heard of people starting their leave early.  To me, if I CHOSE to go on leave a week early, that’s one thing.  But if I’m on doctor’s orders for bedrest… it should be short term disability and be medical leave…. but not count against my 12 weeks… right?  I have no idea.

I have to stop thinking too much about it and just carry on.  If I get ordered on it, we’ll figure it out then.  I just wish some of this stuff was easier to sort out.  A straight across the board standard would be nice, for one thing.  And if I stress out about it too much, it probably WILL drive my blood pressure high!